vanillajello | The Causeway, Sunday Evening

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The Causeway, Sunday Evening

Despite the progress she'd been making in a variety of things, walking around alone after sunset was still not something Kate was particularly fond of. She'd been pretty keen on spending time with Zach, though, so that meant it had already been dark when she'd made back east. And that... had quickly led to going through a mental list of options of what to do.

She'd picked calling Nathan before catching a cab back to the island. She had her reasons. And she also had a little brown bag of takeaway in hand when she stepped onto the causeway. Like she'd promised.

[ooc: For that one guy who could never ever protect her from an angry vampire or anything else, really.]

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"So, tell me I'm right," he said, standing his ground and watching her. "Tell me I'm right so you and my fucking dick of a father can be grouped in the same category. Check out on the fucking world because it's too hard and leave everyone else behind while you're at it."

All right, maybe there were a few other issues here she'd touched on just by wallowing in self pity and deciding that rolling over and saying uncle would just be easier.

"Why am I trying to give you a fucking pep talk?" he wondered after a minute, shaking his head and turning to start walking again. He didn't hurry away because he still wanted to walk with her since she'd asked. "Do what you want. I don't care."

Kate barely noticed she hadn't started moving again yet. She was somewhat flabbergasted things were turning out this way. But maybe she should have seen this coming. No one was as they first seemed.

"I never said I was giving up on everything, asshole," she called out after him. "But I've lost so many people and I'm stuck training to fight for my life and bribing guys with cheap fucking junk food just so I don't have to walk alone when it's dark. I'm trying."

Nathan stopped again and turned, hands still deep in his pockets. "One, that wasn't bribery, that was incentive. Two, chicken nuggets are only cheap because the entire world hasn't discovered their deliciousness yet. Three, life sucks for everyone, Kate. Are you really going to bend over and let it fuck you up the ass without a condom because you're tired? Come on!"

"It hurts less once you stop struggling," Kate shot back somewhat dryly, unable to stop herself. She paused after it, hands sliding out of her pockets so she could wrap her arms around herseld. "I don't know what I'm doing, okay? Half the time I just want to run away. Go to some stupid fucking motel and pretend forever."

"And running away is somehow going to provide you with the instructions for what to do?" Nathan asked, raising an eyebrow. "Really? Cuz, I've run away before and about all I learned is that a lot of homeless guys will give their remaining teeth for a blowjob from a nice, young bloke like me."

Ew. Nathan shuddered and shook his head.

Even Kate made a face at that. Ugh, unwanted mental images.

"I didn't say it was gonna provide any instructions," she replied, shaking her head. "It was just to escape. Disappear." She shrugged. "And before you decide to flaunt your intelligence by saying it doesn't work like that, because I'll still be stuck with me and there isn't a fake name that can change that, I know. That's why I'm not doing it, but sometimes I want to."

"Answer a question for us: why do you want to run away and be some fucking no one when you've established yourself here as someone?" Nathan wondered, curiously. "Has your reputation here been that thoroughly tarnished? Are the mean girls getting to you?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "I don't think I have a reputation, this school doesn't work like that. No mean girls either." She shrugged and looked away, pursing her lips. "That's not who I want to run from."

That wasn't who she was most angry at.

"And who do you want to run from, then?" Nathan asked since that seemed like the most logical question. "It can't be me. I'm fucking harmless. Feed me chicken nuggets and I'm practically your slave."

See Caroline, you didn't even have to use your freaky vampire powers to get him to do things.

"Me, Nathan," Kate said, somewhat calm now. Resigned, and not looking at him. "If I could run away from myself, I would. Can't believe you didn't figure that one out."

Nathan rolled his eyes. In actuality, he probably could have guessed that since that seemed to be the answer to all teenage angst. Everyone hated themselves. He knew that feeling.

"Why do you want to run away from yourself? That's some freaky existential shit right there. What about your life is so bad that you want to like...split your identity and become a science fiction movie?"

"Splitting isn't science fiction, it's mental illness and not something I wanna do." That came out matter-of-factly, without any particular heat. Maybe it was just stalling. "I already told you, I'm tired. I'm just starting to feel like maybe being myself is not a good idea."

Not that she'd ever been much for that idea in the first place. But occasionally, she dabbled.

"Um no, while it can be mental illness, it can also be science fiction," Nathan argued because he could. "Ever heard of cloning, Kate? That's a form of splitting. That's science fiction especially when the clone becomes it's own person and starts killing people and shit."

Hey, sometimes science fiction movies were all that were on and sometimes you were high and just couldn't move for awhile so you watched it.

"You're whining," Nathan added after his science fiction spiel. "If you're tired, fucking fix it, why don't you? This self pitying bullshit is not a good look on you."

"Yeah I've been hearing variations of that so much from people lately," she replied, dryly, "that it's starting to seem like there is not a look that is good on me. Which, I can tell you, really makes me feel a lot better."

She shook her head. "You know, I was happy today. At one point."

"Don't stand there and guilt trip me," Nathan told her, shaking his head. "I've seen someone else close to me check out like this and I fucking told him what I thought too. He was a fucking loser prick who took off on me when things got too hard and he was too tired. Take it from someone that knows, you checking out and deciding that everyone here is too hard for you and not worth the effort? Not the best thing you'll ever do. They'll remember. So don't fucking guilt trip me, Kate. It won't work."

He paused and thinned his lips before he spoke again. "And I really can't believe you were happy when you're talking about running away from yourself and just leaving it all behind. Really, you were happy? Really."

Edited 2011-01-24 15:37 (UTC)

Kate shrugged a shoulder, finally looking at him again. "Maybe I was happy because being with someone who doesn't know all my shit and who won't find out either is kinda like running away," she said, subdued. "And I'm sorry your dad was a loser, and I know what it's like when parents check out when stuff is too much, even if mine always comes back eventually, but this really is kind of a different situation."

Nathan held up a hand and turned around again, ready to start walking. "Do what you want, Kate. Just do what you want. I really don't give a flying fuck. And don't apologize to me either. I don't want your pity. Can we just go? I wouldn't want to tire you out further."

"I don't have pity for anyone," Kate replied, again almost just stating a fact. She couldn't remember ever pitying anyone, apart from maybe herself. Considering the life stories of some of her friends, it was pretty remarkable, actually.

She moved, finally, hands in her pockets again, finally crossing the distance between them. "And I think you do give a fuck."

"No, I really don't, not when I'm probably just making you more tired," he said, lips twisting as he stared straight ahead. "Why waste my time giving a fuck when you're just going to hide in your room and stare at your fucking walls like the star footballer just dumped you? Woe is you, Kate, woe is you."

Kate stopped, not quite beside him, a little further back, watching him. "I go to classes, I work out, I do my training, I go to work, I go to the Perk, I bother you," she said evenly. "I'm not staring at walls. I'm trying. I fail a lot, and I'm not convinced I won't give in but I'm trying."

"And you're writing every single fucking person off, you know that, right?" Nathan asked her, stopping again. "This place is too hard and too tiring and the people here aren't worth it so you run away on your little bird legs and dick around with some guy that is. Great implications there, Kate. Just great."

"I never said the people here weren't worth it," Kate replied, raising her eyebrows though the expression was mild at best. "Or that I was gonna lose all contact with everyone even if I left. I think that's you projecting."

And she knew all about doing that, or would have had she admitted some things to herself first.

Nathan rolled his eyes. "You are counting down the days until you can get the fuck out of here and you seem gleeful about it while talking to someone that isn't leaving for awhile. I don't think it's me projecting, I think it's me being right. You're lonely. Hey, join the fucking club. We all are."

"I think I'm more missing people than I am lonely," Kate said, but there wasn't much fight in it.

She sighed. "I was so wrong about you."

"What the fuck does that mean?" Nathan asked, raising an eyebrow. "You were wrong about me how?"

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